women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
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Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I saw this ending much differently.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I’d … I’d rather not.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.