I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
You Might Also Like
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
*jingles half the way*
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial