Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
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My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.