Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
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Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.