I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
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*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.