Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”