My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
You Might Also Like
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.