[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
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[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
dream blunt rotation
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy