a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
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BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
That 👊
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…