If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
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That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Thanks to a fan for this one.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.