*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I hope it’s French Onion!
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…