If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
You Might Also Like
this was the best i’ve ever seen
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
TRAIN’S HERE
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.