Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
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I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!