Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
just having fun
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should