Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
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A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft