me irl
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*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
brian had himself a morning…
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab