BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
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You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed