I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
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Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right