Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Watson was Holmes schooled
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Catercrombie & Fish
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.