*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
You Might Also Like
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
🤣🤣
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.