You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
me working on my assignments ^-^
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.