Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
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you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Me too 😆
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals