My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
You Might Also Like
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?