Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
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THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
called in thicc to work this morning
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.