[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
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The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
This checks out
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.