Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
You Might Also Like
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Risking my life for fun.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”