Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
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mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Brilliant!
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
*puts words between two asterisks*
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.