Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog