A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
getting old is fun
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
A man of commitment.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”