You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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I need a chiropractor for my brain.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
If only.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.