[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
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Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Go girl power!
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
we all know this pain all too well
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?