“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.