Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
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Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.