Warm pools make me nervous.
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Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
starting a garage orchestra
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Going to church you guys need anything
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills