Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
You Might Also Like
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
🚲+physics = winner
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.