If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
You Might Also Like
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
hackers play passwordle
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁