I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Mornin
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.