@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
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Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.