Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
So that’s what we looked like?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.