[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My work here is done
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.