HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
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I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again