#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
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When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
The biggest mystery of our time
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing