Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
me adding lol on a serious message
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them