Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
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Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
How it started How it’s going
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
#NoRestForTheWicked
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
We have a winner.