Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?