“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.