My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
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13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces