I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
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It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials