Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap