Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.